I'm Really Bad at Secrets

Here we are, 8 weeks pregnant (literally having taken the first test a week prior) and I was supposed to hold my tongue for another 3 weeks until we made a trip to Houston... I can hardly keep a gift a secret when I buy it the day before, and this was a little life in my tummy. I thought I could do it, I really did.

Speaking/texting with my parents regularly made it so hard on me, though! They know how much we wanted this to happen and they've been on the other end of the phone or across from me on the sofa when I've exposed my purest, rawest emotions-sadness, understanding, jealousy, indifference, cheerfulness, hopelessness. I've completely run the gamut with this journey.

It's interesting how the cycle goes (and surely it is unique for everyone)... We decide, ok, we are ready to do this family thing and start with "Not not-trying." Maybe that expression is used to take the pressure off, because when you consciously pull the goalie, you're trying. Twelve months in and we're admittedly "trying," but something isn't quite connecting.

Eric works a rotation, so he's home literally less than half the year. We always have a full calendar when he's home and have interests in multiple ventures. So my next step was to comfort myself, thinking, well we just have so much going on, it must not be the right time. But in reality, there was doubt that we'd be able to live a particular version of our lives. In reality, I feared that something was wrong with me.

We spoke of IVF, adoption, and other avenues and knew that ultimately, even if we could not create a life together, we would absolutely find a way to nurture and grow and teach and love our future child. Eventually, I came to understand that it isn't something "wrong," it's just a different path. And I accepted that possibility.

I've been successful in school, soccer and my career. We've traveled to many amazing places all over the world and have shared in so much joy with our friends and family. This secret, this life-changing-news topped it all. My parents, and now Eric, have always been my biggest fans and I just couldn't stand to keep it from them any longer.

Fast forward-- oooh 5 days from our doctor's appointment and I had enough. I really wanted to tell all of our parents in person. I wanted to be able to hug my mommy tight and tell her that I, too, will be a mommy soon. The way Eric (and I) found out about baby was unconventional, but it was perfect for our partially-long-distance marriage. We decided that since our schedules didn't allow for a surprise trip to Houston, we'd carry though the theme of discovery--via FaceTime!

A FaceTime call to my parents isn't out of the ordinary, so I'm sure they didn't think much of it when I dialed them the eve of my 9th week. We started with some small-talk and of course I had to show them Chloe because that's the ritual and she's really cute. 

I waked into the study (where I had the ultrasound enlarged on the computer screen) "to say Hi to Eric" since he was sitting at the desk. Then I sort of nonchalantly said I wanted to show them a pic we took last week and flipped the camera to show the computer screen. 

It took a moment and while I think it registered with both of them fairly quickly, it was as if they were hesitant to say it out loud. 

I waited it out. Finally, my dad said, "Well, it looks like a picture they take of someone's belly..." That is when I flipped the screen around and confirmed their suspicion--"It's my belly!" 

The pictures tell the story. Shock, joy, excitement, disbelief, bliss and the most overwhelming need to hug each other. I had to apologize for not telling them in person, but they know me well enough, there was no way I could wait! The moment was perfect, overflowing with emotion. I can hardly look back at those pictures without every feeling rushing back. I won't soon forget that call. 

Whew. One call down, two to go. I didn't know if I was emotionally stable enough to handle this again. After a little technical difficulty, we were able to FaceTime Jody, with the lights on and camera free from blockage. We talked about the weekend we were about to spend in Kerrville and plans for Ashley and Jordan's wedding. Then we flipped the screen and showed her the ultrasound...Her first reaction was "What is that??" 

Eric used a few choice words to explain that it was a damn ultrasound, so her follow-up question was "Whose ultrasound is that?" Eric said, "Well #*&^% mom, we don't carry around our friend's ultrasounds!"

After the realization hit, we shared such a happy moment and let her know she has a grandbaby due in April!!

Each call was so very special in so many different ways. When we called Sharon and 'Wombat,' we pulled the same story. We started with a little small talk, discussed the plans for our next trip to Houston, then said we wanted to show them a picture we took... It's so neat to see the simultaneous shock and recognition in their faces! 

Once confirmed, Sharon was audibly excited about the news, so much so that Eric's dad had to plug his hear for fear of going deaf! 

Just a whole bunch of happiness shared in these moments!

It's tough living so far from family, but we are so grateful that technology allows us to be so close with just the touch of a button. I'm so happy we captured these moments and will be able to share them with the little nugget who is currently sucking all the energy from me.  Pawpaw, Lala, Oma J, Mimi and Grumpy can't wait to meet their little angel! 

So full of love,

xoxo,

Marissa

Timing is Everything

The morning we simultaneously discovered our sweet surprise was right before Labor Day Weekend and five days before Eric would be home from work. I didn't have an OBGYN in OKC, so I scrambled, asking a coworker for a recommendation "for a friend." Fortunately, I was able to get an appointment the following week for our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound.

Talk about some anxiety and a sleepless night preceding the appointment. Between my nerves and Eric's jet lag, we were both wide awake at 5 am. For the first time in our (almost) 10 year courtship, we went on a breakfast date (that wasn't IHop at 2 am) AND helped open the restaurant at 6 am. On Facebook I blamed it on Eric's jet lag, but in reality, I couldn't sleep a wink either.

For the appointment, I had to show up with a full bladder (which isn't hard these days) to give the tech a better opportunity to locate baby with the ultrasound. 

In the elevator heading to our first appointment!

They called us back and she explained that she will try to find baby with the handheld transducer first, but if that didn't work, we'd try the wand. (Can you imagine Eric's face at the mention of "the wand"!?) 

It seemed like 30 minutes before she located baby, but in reality Eric said it may have been 30 seconds. When she found baby (so I almost just wrote her, instead of baby, is that a sign??) she turned on the TV screen so we could see. Cue the waterworks, again! I quite possibly bruised Eric's hand as hard as I was squeezing, but there was officially something in my tummy!! 

What started as sniffles turned into shaking hands and a stream of tears rolling down my face. I had to relax and quit taking sharp (sobbing) breaths so the tech could get a good picture. There, on the screen, was a little piece of each of us.

Good thing it says "Baby" on there, kinda looks like a silhouette of someone flexing, as my brother lovingly pointed out. 

Once I relaxed, she was able to take measurements and get a few more pics (that basically all look exactly the same). Since I wasn't completely sure on timing, based on the measurements, she determined our due date to be April 20, 2016. (Yep, you read that correctly, 4/20. How many times have I heard, "If it's a girl, Mary Jane is so fitting!)

I probably NEED something with the April Birthstone fairly quick. ;)

Following the ultrasound, we went across the street to our doctors office. Everything went very well! My first question (of course) was related to travel restrictions... See, we have this dream vacation planned with some of our best friends over New Years and I wanted to make sure I'd be eligible to go. Timing is great, I'll be right at 6 months, so hopefully I'll look "pregnant" and not just awkward. One of these days, we're going to have to slow down. I imagine it will be in the weeks leading up to and following April 20th of next year.

Three hours later--ultrasound and paperwork and lab work, oh my!--Eric was starving. Neither one of us had eaten since our breakfast date and it was quickly approaching 2pm. After the 5 vials of blood were withdrawn, I definitely needed some substance. We went to our favorite pho place (Pho Ever, of course, is the name) and reflected on what just went down. Our lives will never be the same, and we couldn't be happier! 

We got home and I had Eric take my very first silhouette photo. I can't wait to start seeing the progress!

We had a trip planned to Houston to meet our nephew at the end of September and we decided that would be when we tell the family our great news. Well, of course, I just couldn't wait that long...

Patiently waiting for my bump,
xoxo,
Marissa

Shit Just Got Real

I've never been more inspired to write--well, to blog, anyway. I want to remember as much of every milestone, smile, tear and moment in our next (and greatest) adventure as possible; and when I can't remember, I want to read about it (The Notebook style).  This will be our greatest story. The best part is that it has already begun and will continue to evolve and endure for our lifetimes.

We are expecting our first baby April 2016. Wow!

It still shocks me to say "I'm pregnant!" aloud. I still almost tear up when I think about having a child with my husband and giving a grandchild to our parents.

Our path was not smooth, nor do I expect or hope for it to be going forward. But it is our path nonetheless and for that reason, it is perfect. We decided over two years ago that we were ready to start a family. We were both healthy, active and still in our 20s so we certainly didn't expect to wait too long for those two pink little positive lines. Six months, a year, eighteen months passed and our dreams of parenthood seemed so distant.

Life was crazy, work was stressful, schedules were full, yet we were prepared to move across the world for Eric's career. Just as I'm looking at housing in Singapore, the multi-year project was pushed. We were emotionally restless and trying to navigate the sudden changes, which was challenging for us. We discussed everything our situation entailed and accepted that just maybe natural conception wasn't in our cards, or at least not yet.

Our schedules have always been hectic, but in spite of everything, we decided to book a last minute trip to Dominican Republic at the end of July. We left the stresses of life, our careers and family planning in the states and had one of the most relaxing vacations we've been on. 

And then something happened.

-------------

I always had ideas of how I would tell Eric I'm pregnant when that fateful day was mine. It turned out that (again) my plans didn't matter, God already had it all figured out.

One night while I was on my way home from a Fantasy Football draft, I was talking to Eric, who was 14 hours ahead and getting ready for work in South Korea. I was complaining to him about how downright exhausted I'd been the past week. It didn't seem to matter that I would get 8-10 hours of sleep, all I wanted to do was nap when I got home from work. We had been traveling a lot (par for the course) and I had been working out a lot more consistently, so I thought life was just pushing back. Eric didn't. He said, "Well, you're probably pregnant." I denied the possibility and we went about our conversation.

I couldn't really sleep that night, because now he had me thinking, what-if!? The next morning I FaceTimed him much earlier than usual as he was getting ready for bed. I said that I just had to take a test to know so I can put it behind me. Lo and behold, that test displayed a little plus sign pretty quickly. I dropped the phone in shock and happiness and fear and every emotion in between. I started sobbing--like straight-up ugly-crying. I hear from my phone on the floor, from my so eloquently spoken husband, "Well, shit just got real!!" The two tests I immediately took after confirmed that yes, in fact, shit got very real.

"Shit just got real"

"We're gonna have a baby!"

It's impossible to caption the feeling these pictures portray:

Still smiling,

xoxo,

Marissa